It Was Me
It's not you, it's me.
Those words used to swirl in my head and keep me up at night. Constantly, anxiously, they were analyzed and debated about how cheesy they were and if they were a cop-out.
But the last time I tasted them while savoring each syllable, it was realized, they were not a mere excuse. They were the truth.
It was never you. It was me.
There was never a time I could make you be someone you were not. You were not ready to evolve, to mature, to move forward with life and love and be a better person. Sitting in misery was okay for date night, angry retorts and debasing words were fore-play, and spreading toxicity to every facet of our lives was the ultimate form of intimacy.
It was me who decided that I needed to search for my self-worth.
It was me who vowed to vanquish self-doubt and nurse my numb and bruised heart back to health.
It was me who chose to let go and lift myself up. It was me who said good bye to toxic relationships and overused lame excuses for holding on to pain.
Damn right it was me.
Nothing you could have done would have changed what I accepted. I had to learn that on my own. However, you did play in a part in helping me distinguish what I was done accepting into my life. When I realized that I had the power to accept...or even deny...what came into my life. Strength surged into this once weary soul and I began to wield it as if it was Excalibur.
Denying you access to manipulate my heart opened my eyes. Denying you a say in what I could do urged me to open my mouth and voice what I wanted to do. Denying you control over my body encouraged me to take control of my life.
Breaking free of the cycle of being treated sub par and expecting to be respected revolutionized how I live my life. No longer do I take into consideration of what others choose to say about me. My day no longer revolves around anxiously awaiting criticism wondering what I did wrong this time, fretting and imagining every scenario on how to fix the problem….and how to fix myself. The only time I compare myself now is to the person I was the day before.
This new me? She was not easy to find. She did not evolve quickly. But after years of unhappiness, months of soul searching, and one single moment of bravery to break away-I found out who I was.
Realization dawned on me that I was many things. Smart. I was too smart to take crap from anyone. Kind. I learned that I had to also be kind to myself. Strong, I realized if I had the strength to endure the pain that scarred my soul, I had the strength and resolve to make a change and move on.
It took me a while to realize what lied under the layers of deceit I hid under for years, too scared to get out, too scared to leave for fear of not being loved again, if that is what it even was. But when I unearthed myself, I realized that this shell of person who I pretended to be was not me. I was not weak. I was not meant to be an emotional punching bag. I was not meant to be anything other than my amazing self.
Leaving my life and the quality of it in someone else's hands would never do. It was always me and never you, because it had to be me who realized the love I deserved, so I had to go out and get it for myself. And the first step, was choosing to love myself enough to walk away.