Not Where I Want To Be.
That is definitely motivating.
But also exhausting.
Sometimes you try all you know. And you yo-yo. You go back and forth. You try your best…but even with all your effort your bests sometimes are not good enough. You need to stop, take a breather and reset.
Tomorrow at this time, I should almost be out of surgery for the gastric sleeve.
Since I was a child I have battled with my weight. I have recently started to take care my health in the most recent years. I have lost weight, gained it back, lost it again, gained stamina, fell in love with the outdoors, gained some back, gotten into therapy…and started to figure out what is going on in my head so I knew the best way to approach…myself.
At this point, I need to do something different and something drastic. It's not for lack of trying-but I need a tool to help me get to where I want to be.
I am too in love with life to not be able to do the stuff I want to and that my heart is called to do. I want to travel more. I do not want to have to have 2 airplane seats when I do travel. I want to be able to hike longer and further. I don’t want to stop after 3 miles winded and have to turn back while postulating how someone would get me to safety if I ever encountered some unfortunate accident in the wilderness. I don’t want to be out of breath climbing the stairs or find creative ways to paint my toe nails. I don’t want to wait til a play goes to DVD so I can see it rather than 'powering through' a performance I wanted to see live…yet would not have been comfortable in the theatre seats. I want to volunteer for long periods of time in places where I will have to walk 8-10 miles a day to get to where I need to be to help. I want to avoid health risks and complications I am prone to and will any way I know how.
That being said, I don’t want to forget that I am wonderful the way I am right now. And once I reach my new goals I will be wonderful then too. Being overweight, has limited me some, but not entirely. I have winter camped, I have done a multitude of 5K's, I have hiked 100 miles in a year, I can jog (slowly but dang it-that still counts), I can do yoga, I volunteer and jump around with rambunctious children, I am active and moving around at my highest weight more so than my lowest….because I decided that’s what I wanted to do. It was never about my weight-it was about the mental limits I set on myself. Once I realized that…I was able to do what I wanted and make the choices I needed to provide myself with the life I want.
Tomorrow's surgery is not a 'quick-fix'. There is no easy way. It's not a cure all for old habits. It's not some magic trick just so I can fit into some cute new pants. It will require hard work, dedication and retraining my brain. It's a tool to help me meet my goals and live the life I want.
I am not exactly where I want to be.
But I will get there.