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Ugly Growth. (And The Witness That Cheers It On)

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For about 2 years, I have been hiking regularly when I need to enjoy the outdoors. Not want, need.  I suppose I do not look like the typical hiker, as I am morbidly obese, wear ridiculously bright colors (not that hunter's orange though...no thank you) and am typically sporting a pink flower in my hair. There are days I track my miles but more often than not (and this drives the 'real' hikers' who care about stats absolutely bonkers) I don't. I have never much cared for statistics or numbers, well tracking them anyway. Instead, I just hike until my soul starts to heal. Or on the days I need it, I hike until I can feel my soul bleeding. Although I may not necessarily fit into the visual interpretation of what a hiker should look like my soul absolutely does. My soul matches the text book definition of what a hiker "is". My heart beats a little faster when a friend or acquaintance mentions taking on a new trail, my mouth smiles the biggest , showing off my …

Use Your Words: October 13th, 2017

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Today’s post is a writing challenge. And even though I typically enjoy the challenges, right now, I am especially welcoming any challenge that keeps me writing through my feelings. 
This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. 
Until now.
My words are: serial ~ upset ~ rose ~ valiant ~ loaded ~ crumbs. 
They were submitted by: Jenniy from Climaxed-thank you! 
At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them. 

Shortly after my mom passed away last month, a dear, sassy, intelligent friend told me to remind others that I am still grieving and hurting becau…

Secret Subject Swap: October 6th, 2017

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week 11 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 
    My subject is: What is something that you used to be scared of that no longer haunts      you? It was submitted by TaylorLife -thank you!
I used to be afraid of speaking up. 
For some reason, I was afraid someone would look at me odd or even say something to me if I spoke my opinion or asked a question. For me, it did not matter if I was asking a question in class, speaking up against something that seemed wonky or off to me, needing my correct order at a restaurant, or politely yet sternly sharing my ideas...I found the thought of others judging me terrifying. 
But you know what? 
No matter what, people are going to dislike what you say. It might be because they hate your opinion, are annoyed by your questions or they might just not like y…

How Are You....Really?

People keep asking me how I am.I don't know how to answer them anymore.If I answer with okay, I get a sympathetic moan or grunt in affirmation, a head tilt, then a clearly and slowly enunicated, "No REALLY, how are YOU?"If I say I am good, even if that is what I am truly feeling in that moment, I get incredulous stares and a shake of the head and am told, "Don't be so tough, you can share your real feelings with me".If I say I am surviving, going along with the emotions to get through my day and that is simply okay til I find my footing again, I get a smile in return and a quick blurb about how "time will heal" and then the subject is changed.Seemingly, the best response is the last one, even though I don't feel that all the time. Actually, to be quite honest, I am not feeling much. Because, my brain is still in shock. I have cried a little. I have hiked until my body cried and screamed at me. I called to get all her medical equipment picked u…

Sunday Confession: Sugar

Sugar was never really my downfall. When I wanted to splurge or eat my feelings away I chose something salty or carby, or salty and carby.Since I have had the gastric sleeve surgery I have found that I haven't had any sugary cravings. Honestly, I have not had any cravings. I am struggling to eat. My appetite has diminished substainally to the point where I have to remind myself to eat with alarms. It is one of the oddest feelings in the world. I literally would think of what I was going to have for lunch while eating breakfast or think about heating up leftovers while I was still eating dinner. Instead of enjoying the now, I was focused on what I could enjoy in the future. Hindsight is 20/20, so no suprise when I look back I find that I have done that with multiple areas of life. I chose to look forward to possible better times in the future rather than getting the most out of what I was presently doing.Really, what kind of life was that?Rushing to swallow my food just so I could …

Sunday Confession: News

A police knock on the door too early in the morning, a doctor with a  devastating diagnosis, a phone call explaining somehow someone drained all your savings....Every damn day, there are people who have horrible news broken to them. There is no rhyme nor reason or a way to tell who will experience something heartbreaking or earth shattering. Life will never be fair. There is no way around that.But the way we treat and love one another is in our control. I could go on and on like I typically and artfully do, but tonite, I'm keeping it succinct and sweet. Life can be cruel, sucky, and just downright mean at times. Be kind and bring light whenever you can.Today's piece was part of Sunday Confessions hosted by the talented, intelligent, auntie to some crazy kiddos, Hot Ash from More Than Cheese And Beer.  Sunday Confessions are welcome to anyone to join in so if you would like to link up, please go to her blog and do so!

Swimming At Midnight, But Not In Self-Doubt

It was the middle of a beautiful star filled night in the middle of North Carolina country and my family was drinking, laughing, simply enjoying themselves on vacation like you are supposed to do. The vibe was laid back and chill. One would even call it picturesque.  And off to the side there sat your lonesome sparkly poetic weirdo writer, in my jean capris sipping water wondering how to excuse myself quietly and not disturb the fun going on to go check on my mom. 
Mom wanted to stay back at the cabin and my mind...well my mind replays every incident that we have ever encountered. The incidents where I found her unresponsive in her room, waking up to her screaming in pain because she didn't use her walker fell hard, or her wandering around confused because her toxins had raised in her body. To be clear, I am fully aware that I am high strung.  I plan, organize and triple-check medications, creams, plan out possible outrageous scenarios-because we have lived them, and do not know ho…

Sunday Confession: Fall

Last Sunday, I spent a few hours on a slightly treacherous trail after some recent rain. Honestly, I probably spent more time picking myself up from my numerous falls and spills than actually hiking I'm fairly certain. In the beginning of my hiking journey, I was terrified to fall. Absolutely terrified.I would stick to 'safe' trails and cut a walk or hike short if it seemed too challenging. Better to get in a few steps and be done than risk hurting myself was the mantra I sheepishly abided. In doing that though, I never challenged myself.Those were the days that I never allowed myself to....meet me.There is a person within all of us that we have not met yet. They can only emerge after we have been utterly destroyed and irrevocably changed. They are the phoenix waiting to be reborn. Perhaps, that person is someone we have always longed to be, perhaps they are someone we never thought we could be. Either way, they exist in the depths of our souls and will introduce us to our…

Sunday Confessions: Brown

Profusely, I thanked the Hospice nurse for coming out so late to look at mom's hand which with its doubled in size look, hot to the touch, and redness I was betting on cellulitis. Again. "That's why we're here. Thank you for calling", she smiled and handed me a script for a strong antibiotic to help get it cleared up. She took a moment, charted in her laptop, gathered her stuff, and headed to the door then stopped. "I really do enjoy talking to your mom-and you. You ladies make everything fun, even in the not so fun times", then she exited my front door.  I watched her walk down the ramp and safely get into her car. Then I slipped on my shoes and grabbed my purse so I could run to our trusty 24 hour Walgreens down the road, in the middle of the night, so we could get her started on the antibiotic and bring her relief.Right before I handed over the script to the pharmacist I froze momentarily when I noticed the stamp that read, "Patient with Termina…

Use Your Words: July 14th, 2017

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Hello and happy Friday! Today's writing adventure is one where a group of fun and amazing bloggers get together and are given between 4-6 words that they need to use in their blog. They can use it any which way they want as long a they work in those words. At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them. 
I’m using:  Hard work ~ Stone ~ Hair ~ Limelight
They were submitted by:  The Bergham Chronicles Thanks Jules! :)


A half-eaten cup of chili in a cardboard container, I can see how it doesn’t look like much.
But really, it is so much more than that.
After a long week, all the days and weeks seem long lately, I needed a moment to relax. In the middle of the workday I did not think it was possible. Momentarily, I stared outside admiring the sun shining down and paid for my chili wondering the last time I took a lunch-you know a real lunch, away from the desk, not on a conference cal…

It Was Me

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It's not you, it's me.
Those words used to swirl in my head and keep me up at night. Constantly, anxiously, they were analyzed and debated about how cheesy they were and if they were a cop-out. 
But the last time I tasted them while savoring each syllable, it was realized, they were not a mere excuse. They were the truth.
It was never you. It was me.  
There was never a time I could make you be someone you were not. You were not ready to evolve, to mature, to move forward with life and love and be a better person. Sitting in misery was okay for date night, angry retorts and debasing words were fore-play, and spreading toxicity to every facet of our lives was the ultimate form of intimacy. 
It was me who decided that I needed to search for my self-worth. 
It was me who vowed to vanquish self-doubt and nurse my numb and bruised heart back to health. 
It was me who chose to let go and lift myself up. It was me who said good bye to toxic relationships and overused lame excuses for hol…